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Haven’t I said it all?

WARS & CALAMITIES

Haven’t I said it all?

How much I love you,

How I’ve grown senseless,

How I’ve grown frantic.

Haven’t I told you?

How majestic you are,

How you curtail my messes,

And force me to smile because you are that benevolent?

Your kindness is my aroma,

I breathe your warmth every day,

Even when you’re not around,

I feel safe;

The thought of you,

Keeps me safe.

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A glimpse at my childhood

It gets hard for a bullying victim to wake up every morning to go to school. I have experienced that at some point of my life, and it was the most terrible experience I have ever had in my life. Some people would find it easy to remember their childhood, maybe because they have lived a wonderful childhood, but when it comes to me, I prefer to toss my childhood memories away.

I was one of the children who got bullied by other kids in school. I still remember their laughters, I still remember how they would call me names, those names didn’t make sense, but they used to hurt at some point. It got me thinking, “why is it that the whole 1st grade is picking on me ?”…”what have I done to deserve this ?”…To me, going to school was one of the toughest tasks that I had to accomplish as a child.

I didn’t have friends back when I was in elementary school, I was so hurt that I couldn’t see any of my classmates as a friend. Whenever someone mentions the word “bully”, images of my painful childhood start flowing to my mind, and I start remembering how insecure bullies made me feel about myself. Bullies turned me into a suicidal person at a very young age. I was only 6 when I first thought of committing suicide. I felt that it’s enough, if I die, I will not have to suffer all that…

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Love is beautiful, but it hurts sometimes

  I have learned that you can never be strong for too long, there will come a day when something or someone is going to break your strength, causing you to weaken, become pale, and you will eventually feel like you are dying. it is just amazing how something or someone can just take away all your strength, leaving you with nothing but an empty, hollow body. I was weakened not by something, but by someone, and how did it all happen ? well, I simply fell in love. All I knew is that he came in a time that felt so right, but it was just so wrong. All I knew is that he was the first man that stood in front of me when I was feeling lonely. It was just when I saw that man that I became aware of what love truly was. Unfortunately, I was never aware of how painful love was until I knew that man.

  At the beginning, I didn’t have any feelings for that guy, it was all neutral, and I only spoke to him just out of respect, because you cannot just ignore someone who is trying to talk to you, right ? I remember how it all started, he normally said hi, and I replied back, he told me his name, and I told him mine, and at that time, I just had to put a great effort to remember his name, so I had him remind me of his name whenever we spoke, it is funny, ‘cause his name is the most common name in the world, so it would not be hard for people to remember, but I was just so dumb to forget his name. In fact, I only saw you as a friend, you meant nothing to me, but time changed everything.

  April 24, 2013, I only remember the dates that are so special to me. On that day, you told me “DaiSuki”, which means “I like you” in Japanese, and it was actually the first time someone told me “I like you”. Because it was the first time, I didn’t really know what to say, I didn’t know how to react, so I just told you “yeah, I like you too”, I didn’t mean it, but I only said it so I won’t hurt your feelings. We talked day and night, I don’t remember what we used to say, because it was so random, but all I remember was the feeling I got when you were talking to me. With you it feels like I can say everything, with you it feels like there is nothing for me to worry about, with you I felt so alive.   Sadly, nothing is ever built to last as Green Day says in their song “21 Guns”, it had to end, we had to end, and of course, I did not want it to end. I think that It is sad when someone tries to push you away, it is even sad when the person that is trying to push you away is so dear to your heart. It hurts so badly, but you did that to me anyways. I remember you said that you would not do anything to hurt me, but you did what I did not want you to do, you did what I feared the most. You simply walked away. you let it all the feelings that you once had for me die, you had to bury all the feelings  that you had….You simply left without saying a word. How did that make me feel ? it felt like someone has stabbed me with a dagger in the heart. It only felt so painful, because my love to you was so pure, it was so true, it was like the love of a mother to her child. 

I saw goodness in you, and that’s why I loved you. I considered you the man that I wanted to live my life with. You were the only one that I would dream about the minute I closed my eyes to sleep. I would dream about how our lives would be if we actually lived together. There was a smile on my face whenever I saw you in my head. It got me wondering, how would I really feel like if I got the chance to see you in real life ?

Continue reading “Love is beautiful, but it hurts sometimes”